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Monday, January 17, 2005
The Story of My Almost Exploding 7-Inch Appendix.

Saturday, the 8th.

9:32pm - The Pain rears it's ugly head for the first time. Masking itself as some simple-yet-uncomfortable gas pains, (but, Oh, my friends - how it is not!) I think to myself: "Perhaps that slice of Buffalo Chicken Pizza was not such a great idea" and decide that if I just breathe deep, this delicious Belgian beer will make it better. Where's Seth and Molls?

9:42pm - Hmmm. Beer doesn't seem to be working. Better find the faclities in this small Lower East Side jaunt. Note to self: Avoid tripping over the throng of hipsters/hippies on the way to the back...

9:53pm - Uh oh. "The Sweats" are now accompanying "The Pain." Even a discussion with Soren about Star Wars doesn't help the situation. Perhaps it is best to get home.

10:14pm - Best $20 cab ride I've ever spent. So relieved to be home and get this over with, I tip the cabbie four bucks.

10:18pm - Ahhh, Immodium AD. Sweet relief better come soon, because The Pain is kicking it up a notch. Jets are winning. Damn.

10:27pm - Immodium doesn't seem to be working. This isn't good. No relief in the bathroom, no relief in the belly. Laying in the fetal position on the couch, I pray for some sleep. I'm sure poor Ames must be having a great time while I whine semi-quietly to myself.

10:47pm - The Jets are blowing the game. I still feel like there are little people with knives stabbing me from the inside of my abdomen, but the Jets choking is some small relief.

Sunday, the 9th.

1:15am - I wake up. Must have fallen asleep. Amy fell asleep too, and missed the end of the game. She checks the computer. Jet's won. Damn. The Pain reminds me that it hasn't gone anywhere.

1:25am - Try to go to bed. I try taking a big dose of the curl-up-in-a-ball-and-hope-for-the-best medicine.

3:20am - Whoo-boy. The Pain. Lumber to the bathroom, but no good. Have I misstepped by taking the Immodium? The Pain has decided to add the "kicked in the crotch" feeling to the "wicked sharp stabbing pains" feeling.

4:03am - Okay, I might be paranoid, but is it starting to feel like the right side is hurting just a bit more? Don't get me wrong, the rest of my abdomen still feels like it's alien-bursting time, but I'm kinda noticing that phantom Appendix pain from a few months ago when I was in Maine...

4:50am - Poor Amy, as she is known this evening, realizing I'm on the couch comes out to help. She suggests that perhaps the Immodium isn't what I needed and volunteers to go to Pathmark and get some Gas-X. At this point, I'll take anything.

5:11am - Gas-X. Praying this works and for a little sleep, Poor Amy bunkers down on the other couch to sleep/keep an eye on me.

6:50am - I got a little sleep. Is it feeling a little better, or am I still half awake?

7:26am - Jeebus. Nothing is getting rid of this pain. I contemplate stabbing myself in the stomach to relieve the gas. It's that bad.

7:52am - "The Hospital" is brought up. Could be better to go right now, early in the morning, but it's still Queens. More sleep?

8:21am - The Pain, reminding me that it is not going anywhere, turns up the "kicked in the crotch" feeling and that triggers the "Super pain + Stomach = Nausea" equation, and I'm sick. Thankfully, that triggers some more sleep (to put it kindly, "Passing Out" is probably more appropriate).

9:24am - Call Doctor's office, leave message.

9:43am - Doctor says it is probably best to go the Hospital. "Gall bladder" and "Appendix" are both mentioned, along with "blood test".

9:52am - Leaving for Hospital. The Pain is not happy with all the movement. Not able to stand up straight, really, I'm mostly hunched over. At this point, The Pain is so bad I'm starting to panic. Poor Amy is doing a great job of keeping me calm (and making sure I don't collapse) though. She pulls up the the emergency room and I move as fast as I can to get in there while she parks.

10:06am - Mt. Sinai emergency room. Sweats, shakes, rediculous pain. Somehow, I give my info and problems and consider curling up on the floor of the waiting room. Most uncomfortable chairs ever.

10:22am - Curled up in the chair, Amy pats my back/makes sure I don't fall out of my chair as five Corrections Officers in front of me discuss the Yankees and the Mets and how good they'll be this year. I'm in hell. I want to be unconsious.

10:32am - Amy greases the squeaky wheel and manages to convince them to put me in a bed.

10:47am - Nurse/Doctor person pushes on my belly. I yelp.

11:08am - Gown time. Guess they mean business. They begin to hook me up to some sort of IV. Poor Amy, thankfully not in rediculous pain makes sure to ask them what it is for. I pray it is for the pain, and I believe that is what the nurse's assistant says. Of course, he could have said that it's some Horse, and I'd be fine with that, too.

11:20am - Improbably, The Pain is yet worse. I am infomed that they want to take a cat scan to see if it's my Appendix. But, before I do that, I must drink this big-ass bottle of distilled water.

11:32am - Blood time. Amy tells me they took "a lot." Starting to feel lightheaded, I'm thinking it's the painkillers, but she thinks it's from all the blood. Either way, I am sure passing out is better than this.

11:38am - The Coughing Guy to my left has his wife come in. She walks by and stares at Amy and I in a crazy way with these huge bug eyes. Even in my delirium, I want to say: "Don't look at me like that, you got the bug-eyes." Hey lady, sorry about the bug-eye thing. I'll be in my bed here, writhing in pain. I love Ghostbusters.

11:40am - Warm Distilled Water tastes like shit. Thank god I'm not nauseous and/or have a weak stomach. Strike one. Strike two.

11:58am - Feeling sleepy & lightheaded. Uh-oh. Since I kinda heard the nurse/doctor say that I will have to wait an hour after drinking the water before the CT scan, I try to chug. Only a little left, but it's ready to come back up on me. Christ. "Poor" Amy takes new meaning as she is the only one around and uses her quick thinking to snatch me a plastic bin. Still nobody around, she takes it from me before I pass out and drop it. Not my best moment.

12:12pm - Fading in and out. Pain is still killing me. Amy goes to get some food. Delirious, I request a peanut butter granola bar from her while in my bed.

12:40pm - Everything is fuzzy. I just know they told me I need to drink that damned water again. But at least this time they give me ice.

12:47pm - Bug-Eyed Lady again. I think of the Life Aquatic. "Hey Steve! We think you got crazy eye!"

1:20pm - Must have fallen asleep. Starting to shiver, as everything is getting cold as hell.

1:46pm - Drinking the iced Distilled Water. The nurse-lady says they are giving me something to help with the nausea, but I'm suspicious. Plus, she don't know my stomach. Bring it on, baby.

1:50pm - Doctors, Amy, Shivering. Passing in and out.

2:13pm - Halfway thru the bottle. How can I wait an hour to get that CT scan? I think someone says the surgeon is here. Hey, here he is. More pushing, more yelping. He says he's going to take out my appendix, no waiting for CT scan. I say: "Whatever, doc, just make it stop." They have me sign some stuff. No idea how that can be legal.

2:38pm - I'm somewhere new, and there is a new guy who is next to me and says something about being my anesthesiologist/doctor. He is making jokes and even swearing while he asks me (mostly Amy) questions. Doctors can swear? This is a cool doctor. This is comforting to me. He will make me better. He tells me that when we go into surgery, the nurse will have to hold my throat (because of my acid reflux) to keep it from getting into my lungs (which would be BAD), and it might feel like she's choking me, but she's not. Someone says something about more paperwork. I sign some more stuff. Cool Doc says that is enough and they can have me sign more later, he says that I'm in pain and we gotta get this show on the road. Cool Doc understands me. Eff paperwork.

4:02pm - I wake up being wheeled into surgery room. Seems to be different than on "ER".

4:07pm - Wheeled back into hallway. I'm still shaking like crazy. Cool Doc says I've got some sort of syndrome because my body is fighting off the infection. Cool.

4:10pm - I'm back in the operating room. They realize I still have my underwear on. They tell me if I don't want them to cut them off, I need to lose 'em. In my head, I'm like: "Well, nobody told me -- I mean, I'm on drugs, here."

4:11pm - I'm pretty sure some shaving is going on.

4:12pm - Cool Doc is asking me questions. I figure he's trying to give me the anesthesia and trying to make sure it's working. He asks my favorite color. I think black, but figure he'll say that isn't really a color, so I reply "Blue, I guess." He doesn't sound convinced, and I immediately think I should have said Red, and casually mention to him that the Sox won the 2004 World Series. I decide against it, because whole he is Cool Doc, the chances he's also a Yankee fan are fairly good, and I can't take that risk at this point. He then asks my favorite animal. Tough question. I say: "Well, I like dogs..." but then pause. "Hippopotamus!", I blurt out. He laughs and asks why. I start to ramble: "Well, they got these big, huge, mouths with the cool-ass teeth, and look really cool, and they're giant, and seem slow, but when they get in the water they're all fast and graceful..." I'm out.

4:45pm - I wake up. I look up, and Cool Doc is on my left. Amy is on my right. They're smiling like something is funny. They say something about my appendix being "huge". He holds up a camera phone and I see it, but think to myself -- "How the hell did he get my camera phone? Did he run out to Amy in the middle of the surgery, or did I have it in my pocket?" Of course, it was his camera phone. He says that when he asks people what their favorite animal, whatever the answer is - is how we see ourselves. I'm cool with that.

5:15pm - I wake up in the recovery room. Two nurses are here and I feel like a million bucks. I tell them I'm a Hippopotamus. They laugh at me. I get a cool anti-pneumonia toy that I am supposed to breathe into. An inflatable pad inflates/deflates and massages my legs. The nurses sit across the room while I recover and one begins to talk about how difficult her teenage daughter is. I nod to myself and "tsk" in sympathy with her plight, because the drugs make me realize how tough a teenage must be.

5:35pm - We go for a ride. I having a great time. No more exploding abdominal pain, and a delightfully warm fuzzy feeling all around me. I believe the word "morphine" is mentioned. The nurses think I'm too tall for the elevator. We all giggle.

5:40pm - Get into my room and see a nice flat-screen TV. Awesome. This is great. Amy says that Cool Doc said I had the biggest appendix he'd ever seen and that he's going to e-mail me the picture of it. [Later, Cool Doc would tell me he will try to email it to me, but it seems that certain legal question-y things have kept him from doing so. Sorry, kids.]

5:43pm - I am told that I am "NPO" which means I can't take anything by mouth. So, no water, and after the tube down my throat, I sound like Barry White. But -- better yet, with the morphine, I feel like Barry White. I'm not even sure what that means, but I highly reccomend it.

Epilogue - I would spend the next two days in the 'ospital, and it went like this: Morphine, morphine, morphine, Amy & Allie, TV, phone calls, Nice nurses, morphine, peeing in a bottle, Poor Amy disposing of more fluids, my roomate cuddling with his "sister", sleep, morphine, suppository (!), sleep, MattyMarcsHaps, Morphine, TV, Goldie, and a craving for a Cobb Burger w/ fries from light bites.

And now, a week later, I still want that Burger. Thanks for all the well-wishes, kids. Sorry I couldn't get the pic of the real appendix, but it was about yay (6+ inches) long, and as round as a quarter. Of course, it was only supposed to be as big as your pinkie. I now have a two and a half inch scar and some staples. Wheeee.

// posted by Kluv @ 9:56 AM (2) comments

What You Say:

heya i feel ya pain nah i realy do i jst ad my apenix out and the doc sed it was 17cm which is rufly 7inches im from da uk by da way
-- posted by Anonymous : 1/19/2006 11:35 AM

Indeed, my friend. All I can suggest is kicking back and enjoying the rest.

At least you'll get a wicked scar out of it (if you're lucky like me).

Cheers,
Kluv
-- posted by Kluv : 1/19/2006 11:39 AM

Monday, January 17, 2005 The Story of My Almost Exploding 7-Inch Appendix.

Monday, January 17, 2005
The Story of My Almost Exploding 7-Inch Appendix.