DEEB ON THE LAMB,
SOUGHT BY AUTHORITIES IN DISSAPEARANCE OF JEDI CITY IN TURMOIL OVER 'MESSAGEBOARD CONFLICT', GEN.
KLUV ASSAULTED BY PROTESTER
Saturday,
November 24, 2001
By Jeremy Johnson
NEW YORK
(AP) -- Local Authorities today issued an All Points Bulletin warning
local Jedi about the rogue member known as 'Deeb', for this holiday
weekend. Following the dissapearance of one Jedi Frants (who has not
been heard from since late Wednesday), Deeb has been sought by the Policia
for questioning. A search of Jedi Frants apartment revealed that some
sort of stuggle took place, and it seems that the Laptop computer found
therein was exhibiting signs of illegal access. An unknown user (possibly
the person responsible for Jedi Frants' dissapearance) attempted to
use the computer to gain access to the internet, but was thwarted by
the use of a password ('ithaca' in this case). Two other Mafia Members,
Jedi Sperm & Jedi No, reported hearing strange noises outside of
their apartment windows. Sources from the government have revealed that
Deeb aka 'Petey' aka 'Schweets' is the prime suspect, stemming from
the messageboard bannings of this past week (see 11/21/01). Authorities
have stressed that all Jedi lock their doors and windows, password protect
their accounts, not to go out alone, and not to respond to any suspicous
unregistered posts on the Elevational Messageboard.
-------------------------------------
Activity
on the Messageboard
swelled this evening with a mass-post attack by renegade mafia member
Deeb. Where he gained access to a computer has not been determined yet,
and authorities place the beginning of the attack somwhere around 8
or 9PM EST. Posts began appearing on the board in all sections this
evening by numerous 'Unregistered Users' (all from the same Internet
Address), many of which sported the name 'Deeb'. Authorities were also
momentarily confused by apparent posts from Jedirish and Sperm, but
upon further investigation, it was discovered that both were created
by the banned Deeb. Where was Lt. Duck during these attacks? Many citizens
asked the same question and some marched upon City Hall this evening
'demanding satisfaction' at the Watchman's apparent lack of 'watching'.
In a statement released by Gen. Kluv's office, the utmost faith was
placed in the Messageboard's Head Watchman: "We
have the utmost faith in Jedi Duck, and are very proud and thankful
for his efforts in this War Against Deebeyism. He has been working quite
hard this past week to keep your messageboard safe and free of midget-talk,
but there is only so much one man can do. We became aware of the situation
late this evening, but as it was a Saturday night--we had no way of
knowing that Deeb would strike. --I mean, what 20-something stays home
to post on a messageboard
at 9pm on a SATURDAY NIGHT? We honsestly didn't consider him to be that
desperate. We shant underestimate him again..."
Officials also stated that they do have credible evidence that Deeb
will attempt another attack within the next week. The urge all citizens
to be vigilant, and report any suspicious posts to their local mafia
member. When asked how these recent attacks will affect Deeb's 'Temporary
Two-Week Banishment', i.e.: possibly extending it; the spokesperson
responded: "No Comment."
-------------------------------------
General
Kluv was seen this weekend entertaining the members of the Royal Family,
the Queen Mother and Sister, throughout Manhattan today. He posed for
pictures while walking through Greenwich Village and was spotted frequenting
the stores 'Urban Outfitters', 'H&M', & 'Bananna Republic' with
his guests. After seeing an afternoon showing of the Broadway Musical
'The Full Monty', Gen. Kluv stopped to answer questions from the press.
While he was giving his enthusiastic review of the show, a protester
ran towards Gen. Kluv shouting words "Down with Kluv! Viva la Deeb!
Viva La Revoluson!" while he threw a bucket of red paint into the
General's face. (The protester was quickly wrestled to the ground by
personal security.) Looking shaken, Gen. Kluv was immediately escorted
into a nearby car where he and his family was driven off. The Generalisimo
kept his evening reservations at Ruby Foo's however, and seemed to be
in much better sprits after a delicious dessert bento box. However,
there is an unconfirmed report that upon returning to his apartment,
Kluv found that his cat had been shaved, and a sign reading "SAUSAGE
FINGERS LIVES" was spray-painted upon the walls. Are these actions
the work of a small group of unconnected rebels? Or is there a much
larger underground sect following the teachings of Deeb? Authorities
refuse to speculate, but answers are being desperately saught tonight
as many people across the city wonder:
"Does
Kluv really have control?"
---->!!!!
Viva El GENERALISIMO!
(11/22/01)
a happy
day of thanks and giving to all of the great peopeles who support our
wonderous and strong GENERAL KLUV. he will
bring great things to outr lovely new online sosiety, like in the ways
of telling us how we can better behave to meke our socitey better! he
is our great new papi and all of the peples of our great NEW WORLD
suuport him and his enforcers!!!! VIVA GENERALISIMO KLUV!!! VIVA!
--Jorges
Encarnacion, faithful resident of the NEW ELEVATION
It
Begins. (11/21/01)
To
all of my faithfull followers: "THE HAWK
HAS BEEN FREED. OUR NEST IS NOW PLENTIFUL."
To
all of my would-be enemies: beware. I am not one to be trifled
with. Believe me, you do not? Apparently you have not been watching
the battles on the Messageboard.
Do so now, if you wish to know your place in the NEW ORDER. Then continue
here, and read what your pitiful 'press' has written about this day,
below. I now move forth to form a new order of ELEVATION.
The
day of reckoning has arrived.
GENERAL
----------------------------------------------
LOCAL
MESSAGEBOARD GROUPIE BANNED DUE TO ANNOYANCE, BOREDOM
By William
Zieback
NEW YORK
(AP) -- Late this afternoon, at approx. 5:14PM EST, a user known as
"DEEB" was banned from the "Elevational Computing Messageboard".
This ban comes with little surprise to the regular denizens of the messageboard,
as “Deeb” has been threatened with such actions many times
in the past. A user known as “Jedi Frants” commented: “yeah,
it was pretty obvious what was going to happen. I mean, he’s come
close before with all the nonsense posts about ‘Deeb this…’
and ‘supplements that…’—but when he started lacing
into the new Episode II trailer? …come on. You know how
Kluv feels about Star Wars...”
Owner of
the messageboard, “Jedi Kluv” is a well-known Star Wars Junkie.
Witnesses reported that after “Deeb” began to speak ill of
the new Star Wars trailer, “Kluv” went into a quiet rage.
But girlfriend “GiMp” was quoted as saying: “Sure, he
was really angry at first…but by the time the 4th hour of back
and forth with “Deeb” kept going on, it seemed he was becoming
annoyed with the whole thing. He was getting bored, you know? So he
banned him. It wasn’t a decision that he took lightly, either.”
she said, “I could see he was really torn up about it, but in the
end I think he did it for the betterment of the community. I’m
just glad it wasn’t me…”
Unnamed
sources inside the messageboard have reacted with uneasiness to the
banning. “What’s next?”, one source stated. “I mean,
if I don’t like the Bills, am I gone too? And we all know how he
feels about the Yankees… I just fear where this could lead.”
Some believe that “Kluv” is looking to fashion himself as
the ruler of the messageboard in the vein of a Star Wars character named
‘Palpatine’, who eventually rises to become the ‘Emperor
of the Galaxy, and Master of the Dark Side of the Force’. For now,
there is an uneasy quiet on the board. It seems that all are holding
their breath. Waiting
to see how the situation pans out.
Calls to
“Kluv” were not returned, but there was a statement issued
from his office. It reads: “We are saddened that we were forced
to take this action upon Mr. Deeb today, but felt it was in the best
interest of all. We hope that Mr. Deeb takes this time to reflect and
realize the errors of his ways. In two weeks, if he conquers his daemons—then
we look forward to returning him to the board as a full upstanding member
of our wonderful new Utopian cyber-society.”
----------------------------------------------
DEEB STILL LURKING?
LT. DUCK SAYS 'NO WAY!'
Astoria,
NY (AP)-- Sources close to the Ithacamafia Messageboard, the previously
peaceful online community recently ripped apart by bitter struggles
for power that ended in one member's expulsion from the board, have
reported that no sooner had the aformentioned member been expelled than
a new post, signed with the name of the offender, "Deeb,"
appeared on the board. Luckily, Ithacamafia high Lieutenant Brian "Jedi
Duck" Maillard caught the post and deleted it. No one was harmed.
Maillard was given control of a major section of the messageboard when
it was determined that his lack of job and access to a high speed cable
modem made him a prime candidate for the position.
"I
was just doing my job," says Maillard. "If anyone tried to
make an unauthorized post, I would have deleted it. It made no difference
to me that he was a Mafia member." According to anonymous sources,
there has been tension in the past between Deeb and Maillard, when Deeb
apparently reacted "far too seriously" to a statement of Maillard's.
The ensuing argument led to the formation of Deeb's own forum, "Canned-pigs
and pickle fingers," by General Kluv, known as the great peacemaker.
Let us hope, for the sake of this community, that he lives up to that
cognomen.
-Chuck
Knoblauch
----------------------------------------------
INCIDENT FELT IN
PARTS OF NEW JERSEY, PIT OF STOMACH
Vernon,
NJ (CR-AP) The banning of Mr. Deeb reaches far and wide this Wednesday
evening before Thanksgiving leaving people shaken, not stirred. It appears
that after a full day of non-stop badgering, Mr. Deeb was forced off
the board. But how will this be enforced??? At a press conferance held
just minutes ago many questions were answered.
Q: "How
do you plan to keep him off the board, I mean isn't it possible for
him to just log on as a new non-member and post?"
A spokesperson
for Kluv responded "Not through his normal computer, as his IP
address has been banned, but there may be ways to circumvent
the measures we have put in place. Therefore, we have a very reliable
man on the job who will, morning, noon and night monitor the board to
keep him or anything that might be percieved as him off. All
we can say is be careful, always wear plastic gloves when opening your
email. Never open anything with a forigen return address, possibly from
a land that became popular after a poorly concieved movie starring Sting.
But most importantly, if you have 19,20 or 21 year old daughters in
the first semester of their senior year of college do not let them out
of your site. He targets the easily duped. Remind them of their future
and how everything that goes around comes in their hair"
Well thats
all from here, now we just sit and wait, with baited breath.
-Kaity
Tong
It's
All Obi-Wan's Fault (11/18/01)
We
were one of the millions of folk to trek out this weekend to partake
in the phenomena of "Harry Potter", and it was well worth
it. The movie was great, and the whole experience just blew us away
at our midnight showing...from the faithfulness to the book, to the
casting, to the effects (Quidditch caused us to make our "O"
faces...). Seems to be on it's way to a new record opening, and it deserves
all that it gets. My only dissapointment of Friday night: the lack of
an Episode II trailer before our movie. The new "Forbidden
Love" trailer was supposed to be showing before "Harry"
across the nation, but it didn't come up before our midnight showing,
much to my chagrin. Therefore, I accosted the manager of the UA here
in Astoria after the show (2:30am) to find out why the trailer wasn't
shown before our show...and his response was that they had FIVE
prints of "Harry" showing, but only ONE of them had the Star
Wars trailer....
...So,
I took my dissapointed ass home, and fired up the computer, where I
then proceeded to begin downloading the 22meg copy of the Episode
II trailer, and then sleep while it downloaded. I woke up in the
morning and ran into the computer room to watch it.
It
was beautiful. Everything about it took my breath away. It gives a nice
overview of the story that will be dealt with in the film, and it definitely
looks much darker than the last film. It's official that I'm now
excited for the film. I was trying to hold off and not get all crazy
this soon...but...I guess I just don't have much of a say in the matter.
Not
much else this weekend, just relaxing and recovering from our Potter
exploits on Friday. Watched the new Justice League cartoon on the Cartoon
Network this past weekend, and I enjoyed it a lot. Bobo seems to have
a problem with Hawkgirl, but as long as she just keeps breaking stuff
with her mace, and not talking too much, I'm fine w/ her. Actually,
Bob and I almost scrapped today, because he feels that it is completely
wrong for Wonder Woman to fly (unless it is in her Invisible
Jet). Being the mo that he is, I let it be and walked away before I
had to lay the smackdown.
Oh,
new mystery link from The Mok. Nicely done as well, and makes me miss
the golden days where we would spend hours playing Metroid and Blaster
Master. But, I'll just keep hoping for a Playstation 2 this christmas,
and dream of playing Grand Theft Auto III over and over again.
Still
haven't heard from Rounders in regards to the Mystery Pic...perhaps
he had cereberal overload and died. Puzzling.
Things
to see other than the 'Harry Potter' movie.
(November, 2001)
You kids
like plays? How about free plays? How about plays created by friends
of yours? How about plays you can see in other states? How about you
just take a look at what your peers are doing? They've got some stuff
for you. Go now. Yeah. Now. It's right down the street there. That's
right...keep goin'...it's right there. it's right around the corner.
Right there... yeah, go in... No--right there. Go on in...
